In having Fibromyalgia, I am often tasked with trying to explain it to people who don't have it... "the Normals". I often use the
Spoon Theory to help explain my day and rationing energy and tasks, but this is a great article to help others understand.
The following is an article that came from the
Men With Fibro
website. It's copyrighted by Don Fletcher (who has an amazing way of putting things down into writing) and
Men With Fibro. It's a really good resource in trying to explain Fibromyalgia to others.
Explaining Fibromyalgia to the Normals
By Don Fletcher
Every
so often a new member here will ask the same question; “please help me
explain what it is like to have fibromyalgia to the people in my life”.
Other than finding a good doctor this is the biggest problem that we
have to deal with - finding a way to help those in our lives to
understand what has and is happening to us. The sad truth is that there
is really no way to do this because other than finding a way for them to
live our lives for at least a few months a healthy person cannot truly
understand what it means to have to live with fibromyalgia.
I
started writing this article some time ago and then put it aside. Why?
Because I found that thinking about how to explain having FM to someone
who does not took me to some very dark places, places that I wasn’t
certain I wanted to go. I also had to ask myself if I was going to these
dark places because of where my head was at the time or if these dark
places were the reality of what it was to have to live with FM. Then
there was the question of actually exposing someone who was trying to
help someone that they loved to the darkness that comes with having FM.
Would that information actually help them or would it just add to their
burdens?
After much consideration I have come to the following
conclusions. The first was that if I was going to write this it had to
be brutally honest or else it would not be worth writing, nor would it
be worth reading. My own experience has taught me that when those of us
who suffer with FM think that we are hiding things from those closest to
us all that we are doing is fooling ourselves. Those who really want to
understand what it is to have to live with FM want and need that brutal
honesty. It will be difficult but they can handle the truth.
The
other conclusion that I came to was that if I was anything less than
brutally honest I would be doing a great disservice to my fibro brothers
and sisters. I have written many times that FM is an ugly disease, to
attempt to hide that fact when trying to explain what it is to live with
it would not help someone understand anything about FM. If anything it
would have the opposite effect.
Having said all of that I think
that it is best to put in the following disclaimer. This is based on my
experiences living with FM. What you have gone through, are going
through, and will go through may be very different. My purpose in
writing this is to provide a starting point for you to discuss your
situation with the people closest to you. Read the article first and
then decide if you want to show it to those people. If you think that it
will help then give them a copy, otherwise don’t bother.
So, to
the healthy person who wants to know what it is like to have FM, this is
what I would say to you. If you are willing to listen with an open mind
there is a chance that this might work, that you might come away with a
better understanding of what we are going through. But if your mind is
closed all that this conversation is going to accomplish is to waste the
time and energy of the person with FM. FM is real, it is a chronic
condition, and the person in your life has been diagnosed with it. That
is the starting point that this conversation must begin at, because if
you don’t accept that FM is real, nothing is going to change your mind.
The
first step to understanding what it is like to try to live with FM is
to understand that this is a very poorly understood medical condition
and one that varies from person to person. The types and severity of
symptoms vary widely, from the very mild that a few over the counter
pain pills take care of to those that are almost completely
debilitating. Every person who has FM has chronic widespread pain – it
is the defining symptom of this disease – but after that each person
experiences their own set of problems. Each person also will experience
different levels of success in dealing with this disease. Some will find
a combination of medications and/or therapies that will keep their
symptoms firmly under control while others will never find anything that
gives them relief.
The difficulty doctors have in treating us
with any level of success is that what is happening in our bodies is
that certain functions, primarily the way we experience pain, are not
working properly. There isn’t anything broken, nothing that will show up
on any medical test, things just are not working the way that they are
supposed to. Since medical science does not understand how these
processes in our bodies actually work, the doctors don’t know what
causes FM and they have no idea how to cure it. The best that can be
hoped for is to keep the symptoms under control and that is a trial and
error process, most often involving many trials and a lot of errors.
A
very good example of how little medical science knows about how our
bodies work is the digestive process. No doctor on Earth can explain to
you how the body takes in food and drink and then processes it into the
nutrients our bodies need, turning the things that we don’t need into
waste that the body then expels. Many of us with FM also have Irritable
Bowel Syndrome, meaning that our digestive systems are also not
functioning properly.
In fact there are a large number of other
medical problems that often occur with FM. Doctors refer to these as
co-morbid conditions. Due to the fact that the symptoms of the FM and
these other conditions are often the same as more serious medical
problems a person with FM often goes through an almost continuous cycle
of medical testing prior to being diagnosed. To be safe the doctors have
to find out what you don’t have before they can tell you what you do
have. Even then you have to be fortunate enough to find a doctor who
knows enough about FM to be able and willing to diagnose you with it.
After
getting a definite diagnosis a person with FM then begins the
frustrating process of trying to find the medications and/or treatments
that will keep their symptoms – most importantly the physical pain –
under some level of control. Since the doctors don’t know and have no
way to figure out what is causing the physical pain process to
malfunction the best that they can do for us is to try us on a variety
of medications, hoping to find the one, or far more likely the
combination of medications that will give us some relief. And please
note here that I said
some relief because at best the
medications are only going to take away enough of our physical pain to
allow us to function on a daily basis.
So there is truth number
one about having FM; we are in physical pain all of the time. The best
that we ever get is for the physical pain to go down to a level where we
are able to ignore it. Medications might help but for most FM sufferers
they only take away a portion of the physical pain – the figure that I
have heard mentioned many times is 25% at the very most. If we are
fortunate this will allow us to do things like light exercise,
stretching, as well as utilizing other therapies that can also ease our
physical suffering.
You may have noted that in the last two paragraphs I have made a point of referring to
physical pain
and have not just said pain. The reason for this is that people with FM
also suffer a great deal of emotional pain as well. Even more than the
physical pain this is what we often try to hide and are far more
reluctant to discuss. Part of the reluctance comes from male pride, part
comes from not wanting to make things even more difficult for the
people who love us, and part comes from how FM is viewed by far too many
and how that point of view causes others to treat us.
For those
who are unaware of it far too many people, including many in the health
care field, regard FM as a mental disease. To be blunt they think that
anyone who claims to have FM is faking it, that it is not a ‘real’
disease, and that the person who claims to have it is mentally ill.
These people dismiss our pain as ‘all in our heads’ and, when it comes
to the doctors who have this opinion, all that they are willing to do is
maybe prescribe some form of antidepressant and refer us to a
psychiatrist. Almost all of us with FM have unfortunately been in an
examination room with one of these doctors. Added to that are those
friends and family members who treat us that same way and tell us that
we are lazy, seeking attention and says things like ‘if you would just
man up, stop whining, and forget your pain you would be all right’.
Surrounded
by this much negativity, experiencing constant pain, and watching this
disease slowly take away the life that we knew it becomes very difficult
for a person with FM to avoid becoming bitter, angry, and depressed.
Since FM is not something that can be detected by any medical test and
with so many doubters around us and in society in general, doubt also
creeps into our own heads. We begin to think negative thoughts about
ourselves as the FM takes away the lives that we had piece by piece even
as we fight to try to hold on to it. Maybe we are crazy, lazy, or just
whiny complainers who just need to man up but the more that we tell
ourselves that if we decide not to allow the FM to take anything more
from us, the more that it does take. It becomes very easy to allow the
negative thoughts to dominate your thinking at this point, to give in to
the depression. Medical studies have shown that the rate of depression
amongst those with FM is four times higher than it is in the general
population. That, combined with the effect that antidepressants have on
the pain center of the brain has caused many doctors to make the mistake
of thinking that FM is caused by depression. The truth of this is that
you cannot be in pain 24/7 and not get depressed but the FM causes the
depression NOT the other way around!
Dealing with the physical
and emotional pain is made far more difficult for many of us by the
fatigue that comes with having FM. The three most common symptoms of FM
are chronic widespread pain, chronic fatigue, and sleep disturbance.
Because of what goes on in our brains we do not go into the deepest
level of sleep – the stage where the body and mind heal themselves – and
as a result we suffer more because our physical problems take longer to
heal. Adding to the problem is that without this healing sleep our
brains also do not heal, the result being a state that those with FM
refer to as the ‘fibrofog’.
Fibrofog is the term used to
describe the problems that doctors call ‘cognitive impairment’. What
this means is that we have trouble thinking, focusing, and
concentrating. We have trouble remembering things, following
conversations, doing even simple mental tasks, and anything else that
requires mental focus and concentration. When the fog is particularly
severe our physical pain is also amplified because we lack the
concentration required to be able to ignore it.
This is often the
most difficult symptom for us to deal with. It is very frustrating to
be in a situation where you cannot do a simple thing. I have had times
where I could not remember how to do simple things that I have done many
times. It is a real struggle to not allow the frustration to overwhelm
you and to become angry as you stand there thinking ‘I KNOW this!’ but
your brain is too tired to dredge up the memory that you want it to.
This
is what it is like to have FM. It is a constant fight; a fight against
the physical pain, against the emotional pain, against the fatigue,
against the vast amount of ignorance, prejudice, misinformation and lack
of compassion that we encounter far too often. Even as our health
deteriorates, because in spite of what the medical profession will tell
you FM is a progressive condition, we are faced with a fight every
single day. We fight to keep our physical symptoms and fatigue under
control to a point where we can function. The same is true for our
mental symptoms because even when we are at our best those are never
very far away, all that it takes for them to emerge is one bad flare up
of the physical symptoms and the fatigue. When those are very bad it
makes it much more difficult not to give in to the negative emotions,
the anger and frustration. We fight for compassion, understanding, and
above all respect. We have a legitimate health condition, a fact
supported by ongoing medical research.
Above everything this is
the most important thing that we are asking you to understand; FM is
real! Even if we look healthy we are not and even when we follow the
doctors’ advice we have very little control over our symptoms. We have
days when the symptoms are low enough that we are able to do more but we
also have days when the symptoms are flaring when we cannot do the same
things we did the day before. The most frustrating thing for us is that
we never know what kind of day we will have until we get up that
morning!
FM is a very frustrating disease both for those who
have it and those closest to them. If we are to prevent that frustration
from turning into anger we need to understand what is going on with one
another. I hope that what I have written here will provide a starting
point for that understanding but in your own relationships there is only
one way to truly gain that understanding. You must make the effort to
communicate with each other and, as difficult as it will be, both sides
need to be fully open and honest about what they are feeling.
Every
single person affected by FM, both those who have it and those closest
to them, will experience fears, doubts, frustrations, anger and a whole
range of other emotions. The choice is to share those emotions or try to
bury them deep inside. Trust me when I tell you that if you try to bury
them they will not go away, they will grow, fester, and come out at
times and in ways you cannot control.
If you truly want those
closest to you to understand what it is like to have FM talking openly
with them is the only way to achieve this goal. If you share your fears
and frustrations with them and are open to listening it will encourage
them to share their fears and frustrations with you. This open dialog is
the only way to provide each other with an understanding of what each
of you is experiencing having to deal with FM. Ask anyone who has done
this and they will tell you that as difficult as this is once you have
done it everyone will feel a little bit better about the situation. That
will make it a lot easier for everyone involved.
©2012 D.G. Fletcher and Men With Fibro